


Pumpkin Juice

by AMMO121



Series: Hobbit Fluff [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo and Throin are bros, F/M, Gen, Halloween AU, Post-Quest of Erebor, all the dwarves are monsters, that prank each other constantly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 22:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6347452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMMO121/pseuds/AMMO121
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Halloween night and Bilbo is quite done with visitors at his door, no matter how cute they look in their costumes. But he has to put up with one more before the night ends, and Dwalin doesn't bother with pointless things like doors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pumpkin Juice

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hallowbit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1566425) by [batherik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/batherik/pseuds/batherik). 



The sun had long since set, and the trick-or-treaters had slowly diminished in numbers after the clock hit the tenth stroke. The sound of childish laughter has ceased and porch lights flickered off one by one. Bilbo locked his door and turned off his own porch light; he let out a tired sigh and tried not to slump against the door in exhaustion. He loved children, really he did, but hours of walking to the door and back have taken a toll on his poor feet.

He made his way to the kitchen and pulled out the last batch of cookies, the chocolate chips looked like they had melted nicely and the smell was delightful. He put down the tray on the counter to cool and went to get some milk from the fridge. He frowned when he found the milk missing from its usual place. He could have sworn that he had at least half a gallon left. He shook his head and shut the fridge, deciding that he must have finished it off without noticing and then forgot to put in a new carton.

He made his way through Bag End to the spare pantry for the other milk. It took a moment to find it pushed behind the cheddar cheese and he had to stretch on his tiptoes to reach it. He gave a triumphant yell when he finally grasped the carton and pulled it off the shelf.

Making his way back to the kitchen, he almost stepped through the doorway when he heard the ding of the timer followed by a startled grunt, and a great crash coming from within.

"Accursed human contraptions!" A deep voice growled.

It was a very familiar growl.

Sure enough, when Bilbo finally stepped into his modest kitchen, the sight that greeted him was that of a familiar Frankenstein monster. He had Bilbo's poor cooking timer crushed in his meaty hands. The cooling tray of cookies was scattered across the counter and onto the floor and the human silently mourned the time wasted baking them.

"Dwalin!" Bilbo huffed. "I would kindly ask you to stop destroying my cookery." The large monster's head shot towards him at his words and put on his best, most convincing expression of innocence. Of course, seeing as how he was over seven feet tall and has screws sticking out of either side of his neck, the result was rather hilarious. So hilarious in fact that Bilbo couldn't stop a small laugh from escaping.

"What's so amusing, human?" And there's that growl again. Oh dear, did he hurt his feelings? He was quite sensitive for such a terrifying creature.

"Nothing, Dwalin." Bilbo moved further into the kitchen and pulled two cups out of the cupboard. He poured an equal amount of milk into each of them before putting the milk back. After another moment of silent he walked over to Dwalin and handed him the larger glass. "Might I ask why you feel the need to drop all my cookies onto the floor?"

Dwalin looked slightly guilty then and Bilbo felt an inappropriate surge of satisfaction at that.

"I was just having a taste is all," he started. "I wouldn't have dropped them if it wasn't for your cursed dinging machine."

"My timer scared you?"

Dwalin bristled at his words and a thunderous pout twisted on his face. "It startled me is all, just be glad I didn't take my axe to the damn thing."

"Oh, and I suppose crushing it is better."

"Yes, less property damage."

"Let me guess, Balin got onto you about that again." For a mummy, Balin was surprisingly uptight when it came to money. He ruled over the funds of Erebor with an iron fist, and not even Thorin would dare get in his way if Balin thought senseless spending was afoot.

"Cut down a tree on accident once and suddenly no one trusts me to handle my own axe."

"That's because the tree fell on a house." Luckily no one was home at the time and the cottage was only one of a few houses owned by the family. Balin had not been pleased when he had to cover up the cause of that particular incident.

"Blah." Dwalin's face twisted as he stuffed another two cookies into his mouth. "You and my brother are both worrywarts."

"I'm telling him you said that."

The Monster man looked appropriately terrified.

Bilbo stifled a snort, if only to spare Dwalin's feelings, and opened up the microwave. He took out the two containers within it that he had put there to keep warm. Dwalin's gaze turned hungry when he noticed that they contained more of Bilbo's delicious cookies. Four years ago, such a look would have terrified the Baggins and would have left him shaking in his boots. Now all he did was smack the monster's hands away when he made a grab for one of the containers. Dwalin pouted – yes, pouted – and took a large gulp of his milk.

"So I take that you'll be my escort this time?" Bilbo calmly walked over to the pantry and pulled out three large bags. They were an assortment of different candies and he thought that the boys would appreciate a sample of 'human' candy. The people of Erebor usually baked their own Halloween treats and the man thought that it could be a chance to introduce them to something a bit more modern. That, and the inevitable sugar rush that this would put the heirs in would serve as great revenge. That should show Thorin what happens when you try and dunk him in an apple-bobbing barrel. Yes, revenge would be sweet.

"Aye." Dwalin was watching him with a suspicious light in his eyes, like he knew something was afoot but couldn't quite puzzle out what exactly. "The lads wanted to do it, but they went and got themselves grounded."

"What did they do this time?" Those boys really, he loves them dearly but they could – and have – given the man grey hairs. Thorin could testify to that. They must have done something truly horrid if their mother wasn't letting them off the hook for Halloween. If that was so, maybe he'd have to make the boys work for their treats.

"They set Bofur's scarf on fire."

Bilbo looked up in worry at that statement, and all thoughts of revenge disappeared. (Well, almost). Bofur himself was a scarecrow and fire, even a small one, could cause quite a bit of damage.

Dwalin must have noticed his worry because, he was quick – well, as quick as he was with anything that didn't involve swinging an axe – to reassure the human, in his own blunt way.

"No need to worry lad, Dori and Bifur put him out quickly enough," he grunted. "Practically threw the poor hay-bag into the fountain."

Bilbo paused in his task to look back at Dwalin. "The fountain with the giant spider or the one with the snakes?"

"The big one in the courtyard."

"The one filled with pumpkin juice?" Now, where did he put those cloth bags? Aha! There you are, you buggers. Hmm, he didn't remember moving them to the pantry. "Poor fellow, probably still smells like pumpkins."

"Not nearly as bad as the princelings." Dwalin poked at the microwave until Bilbo shuffled over to shooed him away before he broke anything, again.

"And why's that?"

"Dis wasn't too pleased with her sons for lighting her intended on fire."

Bilbo turned and gave him a look that tells him exactly how much he believes that 'intended' part of the tale. It wouldn't be the first time that one of his undead friends decided to trick him by making up a fake romance. He still had trouble looking Dori and Balin in the eye. Dwalin tried to look offended at the lack of faith but couldn't quite pull it off. He probably wouldn't believe it if he wasn't at the Asking Ceremony himself. After a moment of silence the man seemed to realize that Dwalin wasn't having him on and his mouth fell open in shock.

"Huh," was all he could bring himself to say on the matter. He missed all the fun, being stuck in the Land of The Living. He'll make them a pie later, to make up for him not being able to get to the wedding. Unless they have it on Halloween, but he very much doubts that it will be held within forty years. The People of Fright do not die –seeing as how most of them are already dead - or grow old, and so a life time for Bilbo couldn't be but a blink in time for his friends. He sometimes fears that one day they will come to gather him for the Halloween Feast and find nothing but an empty house. Or worse – one filled with his more bothersome relatives.

He shuddered at the thought.

"Well, come along," Bilbo said as he slung one of his bags over his shoulders and handed the other – and less breakable – one to the Frankenstein. "Before they get too impatient and I end up with a house full of monsters raiding my pantry, again."

Dwalin seemed to find this amusing as he chuckled before pulling out something of his coat. At first glance it appeared to be nothing more than one of those one dollar miniature pumpkins, carved out to look like the classic jack-o'-lantern. This one though, was special, and not just because it was lit with a green light or because it seemed to be cackling quietly to itself. Dwalin reached up and grabbed the stem of the thing and turned it all the way around, twice, before it clicked softly. It – ironically – reminds him of his poor timer, which now sat on the bottom of the trash can. It also ticked in a similar way, but without the cackling, which was growing in volume by the second. It only took a moment for the sound to speed up so much that it was a constant hum.

Then Dwalin dropped it, and the world exploded in a swirl of greens and oranges.

Bilbo would never get used to the feeling of traveling between worlds. It felt like he was being pulled, than pushed, and ends with the sensation of being shoved off a cliff. His feet never left the ground, and it was quite a similar feeling to riding a rollercoaster, but without the reassuring presence of a seatbelt. He threw up the first time he traveled this way and the others still won't let him live it down.

Then, as if a switch was flipped, and without any warning, it was over.

Bilbo would have fallen over if it wasn't for the large hand that reached out and steadied him. He took a moment to compose himself and tried to stop the ground from spinning. When his mind finally pulled himself together and found his stomach from wherever it had ran off to, he was able to take in his surroundings.

The first thing that truly processed was the familiar smell of pumpkin pie, smoke and cinnamon. The next, of course, was the assortment of monsters making their way towards him at a dead run. Kili and Fili reached him first and he was knocked over in their excitement. They were laughing, but so was he and many of the others. They laughed even louder when Dis yanked the two boys up by their ears.

"Master Baggins." Thorin had made his way at a statelier pace and now stood before the human in all his glory. The King held out a hand to help him up, dusting some dirt of Bilbo's jacket before taking him by the shoulder and leading him away from the graveyard. Luckily this one was only for show, and housed no real bodies, so they didn't make for a rude awaking for any slumbering corpse. That had been a very unpleasant experiences.

Thorin gave his shoulder a squeeze to bring him out of his musing. There was a spark in the King's eyes that told Bilbo that he knew exactly what he was thinking about, and found it all too amusing. Bilbo resists the urge to take the horseman's head and kick it into the cornfield for the crows to find. (He doesn't do just that because he's a guest and that would be rude, but he can still find satisfaction in the mental image. He can't help it, he and Thorin bring out the worst in each other.) But, reunion now, revenge later.

Now Thorin was giving him the same look that Dwalin did earlier. Bilbo wondered if he has some kind of face that he pulls when he's plotting, or if he just looks too happy all of the sudden. He gave the King his most innocent look and Thorin's eyes narrowed. Oh yes, Thorin smelt something afoot. The human's smile may have widened in a slightly deranged fashion, but you won't hear it from him. The King seems to have some kind of inner debate before, after a moment, deciding to drop the matter, for now. He pulls the human further towards the main gate with the arm he had yet to remove from Bilbo's shoulders.

"Welcome Bilbo, once again, to Erebor."

If you had told Bilbo Baggins four years ago that the sounds of cackeling and screams that seemed to come from every direction, would sound like home, he would have called you crazy. Perhaps that's exactly what he is, crazy old Baggins. And he couldn't be any happier with it.

"Uncle! Bilbo brought us human candy!"

The look of terror on Thorin's face was definitely worth the dunk he took into the fountain.

**Author's Note:**

> Posted this ones before, but I deleted it when I read over it and found it wanting. So here we are. Please comment of Kudos! ^^


End file.
